After the fast

It has been many hours after the fast and I am still learning things about myself that I didn’t realize in the first few hours. 

I thought about what I was reliant upon as I was in the midst of my fast. During my fast I relied upon my faith in God. My trust that He would feed me what I need. That there is no need I have but Him and without a Him all else is essentially window dressing and beside the point. I learned that I needn’t be hungry so long as He fills me up. This came as a shock to me because I’ve heard many folk say for all my life to try God and see if He won’t do it for you. That the is nothing too hard for God. That when you have nothing else but God you can make it through. O, taste and see. Those were all nice to hear and offered a glimpse into what being a man of faith can be. But I didn’t have a personal encounter with it. 

Now. I. Have. 

I learned so much during It and even now I’m still learning things. I see now that as soon as I came back into the world and started eating the worlds food, something and changed within me. I noticed that for the first time this week I craved more food. Even when I wasn’t necessarily hungry for food. I noticed a hunger within that gnawed at me and asked me to satiate it. I realized that while I was focused on food I could focus on little else. That my desire to eat food was nearly insatiable and constant. This at first scared me because I realized that I’m not the only one who feels this way. 

Food is a great way to socialize. In America we assign importance to all manner of foods and connect it to most everything we do. At Thanksgiving we consume turkey. At Easter the ham. Birthdays the cake. This is my great challenge. The consumption of food has crept into everything I do. It’s nearly impossible to click on the radio, television or Internet and not be inundated with images of happy people eating food. Foods that are exotic and mundane. Foods that are competitive and passive. Food that is tasty but not necessarily filling. So I eat more. Can’t get enough of it. Even if it’s not healthy for me. And here I see the truth of it all. 

It’s not just that I eat. I must eat. But what I eat matters a lot. This goes beyond simple consumption of nourishment to allow my temple to continue to function. This goes deeper than providing energy so that I can press on and remain focused. This touches on the spiritual foundation of taking in nourishment. Nourishing food for the soul is what I ate for three days. And during that time, even while fighting a bad head cold, I wasn’t starving. I was comfortable. I now know why. Because God was filling my body with Him. He was filling me and nourishing me. If I recall the words of Jesus who said (and I’m paraphrasing) do you not see the birds of the air? And do you not know that God watches over them? If Father in heaven watches over them, how much more will He watch over you? This is not just an idle statement. This is a fact and I’m a living witness to it.

I’m not saying that I’m going to stop eating and carry on till the day I am finally called home. Chances are excellent that that course would put me in His arms a LOT sooner than I’d like. What I am saying is that while He allows me time here on this ball of dirt we call earth, I will not let a day go by that I don’t stop at some point during the day, consider Him and have a conversation with Him. My minister said to us the other day that which I know all too well. But hadn’t TRULY understood. That daily prayer with the almighty is necessary. Prayer is not necessarily a bended knee, prostrate positioning of the body with many lovely words strung together in supplication. Prayer may simply be a word or two spoken between two old friends. Prayer is what I did while fasting and each time He answered me. I want to continue that dialogue. 

Maybe, if you have not yet tried to chat with God, you too will try. Your conversation may not be overwhelming. Mine certainly was not. But it will be comforting. And that is what He promised, isn’t it? To send a comforter in times of need? 

Yeah. I learned a lot during my fast. 

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Faster

What did you learn? 

Whenever someone decides or is led to fast I’m certain this is an inevitable question they must field. Fasting is an unusual word for something that to my ear has nothing to do with food. I’ve just completed a three day fast and I did it because I felt led to it by God. I know to many this sounds quaint or grasping for “likes”, but I know what I felt and how I knew I needed to respond to the call. 

You see, I’ve made a number of decisions in my life recently. One was to accept the call to the diaconate. It’s a call I’ve accepted before but never finished for a number of reasons. Some reasons completely out of my control. This time the classes are clearly rigorous and are quite intense. I feel like I’m taking college classes again. Whole books to read and report on, reflection papers, group studies, one on one interviews, and on and on. The pressure is high and fast paced. But I’m determined and will not waver. 

I’m entering a new phase in my professional growth. My career as a public official is expanding beyond my four walls. It’s exciting. It’s new. And it’s frightening. 

Change is all around me and I believe in my heart God said you need to stop focusing on everything else and take some time to reconnect with me. The Word discusses fasting and so does many books in the library. They discuss what to do to maintain health and well being during my fast. But I didn’t read them this time. This time I simply told my family I will fast and when God releases me from it, I will let go. Not because I’m hungry for food, but because I’ve finally realized why I needed the fast. You see, I’ve been replacing God with food for months now. Replacing God with career achievements. With short term goals. Social organizations. People. Anything I could find to allow me to pretend to be closer to Him when in fact, I was just as far from His side as I was before I was baptized. Something needed to change and fast. 

So food had to go. I needed to remove food because it became an excuse to not focus on Him. To not pray to Him in the mornings and noontime and at night. To not in random moments think of how He is still there for me. With each passing hour I saw myself thinking of food instead of His ability to feed me. When I felt a hunger pang, I simply asked Jesus to come closer. To let me talk to his father. To fill me with Him so much so that food wasn’t needed. And it hasn’t. Not for three complete days. I’ve found that living on water and liquids like juice or broth only for these days has opened me back up to Him. To trust in His guidance in ways I needed and will need. 

So it was no stunt. It was not for weight loss. It wasn’t for a fundraiser. It wasn’t for social justice. It wasn’t to prove to myself I could do it again. I fasted because I wasn’t talking to God. He spoke. I didn’t talk back. My relationship with Him was becoming a masquerade and I was tiring of affixing my disguise and pretending it was ok. 

It wasn’t all easy though. I am still fighting off a sinus cold that will become intolerable should I fly while still ill. Fasting while sick isn’t the best thing to do, I’ve been told. Taking medication on an empty stomach is tough going. Or it should be except I found something other than food to satisfy me. 

Tomorrow I believe I’ll start back eating. I’ve seen what I must do and I won’t shy from it any longer. 

Me: Hello dad, how are you? 

God: I’m fine. Let’s sit and chat.